Life evolved around 3.5 billion years ago, but the course of history can roughly be summed up in three lines.
1) Bosses wanted their employees to be more productive
2) Employees felt overworked and spent more time on their phones in the toilet to relax
3) A toilet company created a sloped toilet so employees would be too uncomfortable to have long poops
If you’ve ever worked for a company, you might be familiar with The Long Phone Poop.
First, there were Medium-Length poops. This phenomenon started occurring around the 1990s when mobile phones were invented and came with games.
But in the late 2000s, when advances in technology allowed people to access the Internet on their phones, well, things started changing.
People started spending more time in toilets using their phones to pass the time away, instead of working at their desks.
And obviously, their bosses got pissed. So, what did they do?
Nothing, really. They couldn’t legally time their employees when they used the bathroom, could they?
So one company took the lead and came up with a solution for all the frustrated bosses of the world.
Cruel Company Creates Sloped Toilet So Employees Will Be Too Uncomfortable To Use Their Phone
StandardToilet, a company in the UK, has developed a new toilet designed to make pooping a miserable activity.
Why would they do such a thing? To make employees more productive.
According to StandardToilet developer Mahabir Gill, this will increase the strain on the legs of the pooper, similar to a gentle squat thrust.
While 13 degrees is optimal, StandardToilet holds the patent for anything from five to 35 degrees.
The company estimates that a 35-degree downward slant would reduce time in the toilet by 30 per cent.
BREAKING NEWS: Say goodbye to comfort breaks! New downward-tilting toilets are designed to become unbearable to sit on after five minutes. They say the main benefit is to employees in improved employee productivity. pic.twitter.com/lfDbeXJdCX
— Dave Vescio (@DaveVescio) 17 December 2019
So, poopers who enjoy using their phones on the toilet at work would be too uncomfortable to stay on the bowl for a long period of time.
Essentially, this new toilet aims to shorten employees’ toilet breaks to increase productivity.
Can save businesses billions a year
Mr Gill said that this would be a clear benefit to customers, as research from his company shows that the average person spends 25 per cent more time in work toilets than necessary.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Boss: What did you say?
Uh- I mean… whaaaaat? Who even has time to use the toilet when you’re as hardworking as I am?
Boss: Good employee
The revolutionary toilet company also estimates that this new product can save businesses £4.8 billion (S$8.5million) a year.
That can’t be right, can it? Are we literally shitting away billions a year on our phones?
Criticism
Obviously, people didn’t take too kindly to having their poop time shortened.
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This violates ADA standards for accessible toilet facilities. Installing this would put a facility owner at risk of immediate legal action. I can’t see this being accepted by any building department that’s not completely in the bag.
— O. Douglas Price (@ODouglasPrice) 17 December 2019
Their criticism is valid. It’s certainly not fair to those who already have difficulty using the toilet due to a disability. Plus, who would want to work at a place with toilets that make pooping uncomfortable?
Health benefits
StandardToilet disagreed, however, saying there were numerous health benefits to the slope for both general consumers and disabled users.
“Medical studies have suggested that using the traditional WC can cause swollen haemorrhoids and weakening of pelvic muscles,” Mr Gill told the Daily Mail.
“The StandardToilet provides increased comfort through promoting the engagement of upper and lower leg muscles which helps reduce musculoskeletal disorders.”
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So, if you poop on StandardToilet’s toilet, it’ll basically be like going to the gym.
The toilet should be a place of refuge
Co-Author of the Around The Toilet project, Charlotte Jones is one of the new toilet’s critics, saying the makers were looking at it the wrong way.
“Viewing time spent in the toilet as a threat is a wrong way of looking at the issue entirely,” she said.
“I think the importance of the toilet as a refuge during the workday says more about inadequate workspaces, heavy workloads, and unsupportive management than it does about the workers themselves.”
I can’t personally support Jones’ claim, because I never ever use the toilet while working in the Goody Feed office. But if I did, I could see how it would be a little haven away from the torturous work and toxic bosses that we have to deal with every day.
You can take away our internet. You can even monitor our every move in the office. But you do NOT take away our poop time.